In honor of National Eating Disorder Awareness Week #NEDAwareness, I’m re-posting this post I wrote exactly a year ago.Oh, the synchronicities of life sometimes! So here it is again, just in case you’ve missed it.
Do you know anyone around you with an eating disorder?
Are you suffering from an eating disorder? Or have you in the past?
Do you worry that you might have an eating disorder or that your eating might be disordered?
Please let me know in the comments below. 🙂
♥ ♥ ♥
I have a terrible secret.
A secret so dark it feels easier to write about it in the safety of the darkness of my bedroom, in the darkness of the night and in the darkness of the almost New Moon.
A secret I kept from myself for about a decade and that I shoved down with more food so I wouldn’t have to look at it.
You see, I’m a registered dietitian but I have known for a long time that there was something very wrong with me and the way I ate.
That’s part of the reasons why I decided to become a RD, so I could fix it. There was something broken inside of me, something I was too ashamed to even say out loud.
About 10 years ago, I realized that I had Binge Eating Disorder. From my own research to try to understand what the hell was wrong with me. And I felt so ashamed.
First, there was the shame of having an eating disorder as a dietitian (I didn’t know at the time that one in four dietitians does).
And on top of that, I had the shame of having the worse and most shameful one.
Even reading the diagnostic criteria brings so much shame to me. It basically says that it involves bingeing similar to bulimia but without the purging behavior.
In my mind, I read “you eat like a pig but then don’t have the decency / strength / cleverness
to do something about it.” 🐷
Simply writing these words hurts. 😪
I feel the shame I’ve been carrying for years.
I was so ashamed by that discovery that I brushed it off and decided to “try harder.”
I was so ashamed I couldn’t even contemplate asking for help.
And I stayed stuck there for many more years.
You see, shame is very insidious. It makes you believe all kinds of things. It makes you think it’s your fault and that you’re not try hard enough. It makes you think there’s something wrong with you. It makes you feel alone and miserable.
It’s taking all of my courage to write this and release this bottled up shame this week, especially with THIS post.
It’s one thing to publicly share my experience with disordered eating but it’s quite a bit step for me to finally be honest with myself and come to terms with the fact that my disordered eating was on the extreme end of the spectrum where eating disorders begin.
It’s taking all of my courage, and shedding many tears as I’m typing this, to finally say out loud that I have been struggling with Binge Eating Disorder for a big part of my adult life.
A registered dietitian.
With both a Bachelor and a Master Degree in Nutrition.
The author of 3 published books on nutrition.
A smart and intelligent woman.
Binge. Eating. Disorder.
It can affect any of us. Eating disorders and disordered eating don’t discriminate. Ethnicity, body size, age, education, career… All human beings are at risk.
There were many reasons for the dark emotions I’ve been feeling this week with the waning moon, but this is a BIG part of it.
Interestingly, I’ve been wanting to redirect my business for the last year or so towards helping women with disordered eating heal their relationship with food because that’s what I did myself… but it’s like this path lead me right here.
It’s lead me to find this dark blob hiding insides for me all of these years.
I gathered all of my courage and I went in the shadows and I found it. And the blob just wanted me to look at it and acknowledge that it existed and it wanted to tell me that it will most likely always exist.
So I am acknowledging it.
I’m allowing it to see some light.
And, now that we’re holding hands, we’re both feeling a little less afraid of the dark.
I feel more whole and complete now that I’m willing to accept this part of me.
I feel more true to myself now that I’m not hiding this important part of my story.
I feel a powerful and inspiring force pulling me even more fiercely to help other women break free. <3
Your non-diet dietitian and heart & soul nutritionist,
If any part of what I wrote here resonates with you, I personally invite you to check out my FREE Whole Batch Syndrome Online Training. 🙂
It includes the 5 biggest mistakes I made when trying to heal my own relationship with food and my body and how to turn these 5 stumbling blocks into 5 stepping stones you can use for your own healing today.
You’re welcome, beloved! ♥ ~ Aglaée (or call me AJ)